Running on empty.
Hey there everyone,
Well, another Wednesday. It has now been 3 days since we said goodbye to Alex and Jaclyn and I think it’s beginning to sink in that they really have gone. It’s really weird realizing that.
So, I guess I’ll get right to my point which is this. I feel very deeply like I’m running on empty. I realized after my Mom died that somewhere along the way I had stopped having a simple being relationship with God and had begun to have doing relationship with him. And of course, as time had gone on I had forgotten more and more what it felt like to be in a relationship with him that is any other way.
When my Mom died, everything in my life went on hold. I no longer was doing Monday Night Prayer, I was no longer doing Thursday Night Youth Group, and I even missed church 2 weeks in a row. As all that activity passed away, I realized that I was desperately hungry and empty on the inside, and had been for quite some time. I had only been distracting myself by all the doing.
The terrible thing is that now that I’ve realized that (it’s been over a month), I can’t seem to get back out of it. It seems like for every time I sit there and try to make a good decision, I always do what I don’t want to do. And not in a way that quoting Paul makes OK. I’m not talking the high things, I’m talking about just your normal every day stuff, liking talking with God for a few minutes or reading a passage of scripture. I seem to be so overcome with a general malaise that I no longer seem to be able to work up any energy to fight against my flesh.
I’m just going to be really honest here for a second and lay my mind out on the line. I’m really angry at God because I don’t understand why I seem to constantly have to motivate myself, and work something up in me, and create an urgency in me in order to be interested in him in any more than the usual walking relationship that I’ve always had (at least, ever since I’ve been saved) with him. I feel like God is totally able to fascinate my heart and captivate my soul and I don’t understand what he is gaining by leaving me so bored. I make no bones about it. I refuse to believe that I’m some how not asking the right way or not having enough faith or even that it’s not his will. There is just the simple fact that I ask for fascination and motivation and God, on a regular basis, just seems to think that I’m better off being bored and in anguish over the state of my life.
That being said, I want to add a caveat, then I’m going to go to bed. I still love God, and I’ve lost none of my faith in him. But I’m certainly going through a really hard time with him right now where he’s really not revealing anything to me about what’s going on and he certainly does not seem to be gracing me with his presence at all. That being said, Lord Jesus, Come! I want you so badly! Please, don’t let me loose that desire for you deep in my heart. Now God, come over me in love and purify my heart! I love you.
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