Burning Ones

I’ve found myself asking that question more and more lately. The reason is because I feel very defeated at the moment. I feel very much like I tried my very best to give it all to God, and I asked him to help me where I was deficient (which I was convinced was just about everywhere), and at the end of it all, I got nothing. I had a few small victories here and there, but at the end of the day, I would sit there and struggle in my sin and be begging God to take the trial from me, admitting that I was not strong enough to overcome it on my own, that I would resist it as long as he would back my will up with means to accomplish that will, and then a few hours later find that I had failed. Again. Over and over and over again.

But I would get back up and resist again, as best I could, after my fashion (which as far as I could make it was formed from a Biblical model). I would resist and then fail, resist and then fail, resist and then fail. And suddenly, I realized that I was resisting less and less, that I was getting more and more tired, that I was starting to lose faith that God would ever step in and “take this cup from me.” This past Tuesday, I broke down completely, and when I encountered temptation, I found myself saying words like this. “What’s the point? If I resist now in a few hours I’ll have been broken and I’ll have given in. Why not just give in immediately. I’ll hate myself just as much for doing it now as I will for doing it then. I’ll be just as disappointed, just as depressed, that I failed one more time, if I fail now or then. I’m through, I’m not even going to bother God (who obviously doesn’t have a plan to release me from this anyway) with my little pleas for help. I’m just going to give in.”

So I did.

Notwithstanding the fact that a great majority of the above statement is a lie (God does have a plan to help me overcome my sin, I would be (and indeed I was) more disappointed in myself if I gave in without a fight than if I just gave in without trying, etc. etc.), it seemed to make sense at the time. I was tired. It wasn’t only late at night, but I was emotionally tired. I’d been struggling deeply for awhile at that point and, like I said, every time I stumbled I seemed to not stand up quite as straight again, until I was finally walking along almost doubled over, just waiting to hit the dirt again. When you’re in that state, words and thoughts like that make a lot of sense. It doesn’t seem to matter (at least not to me) how much I quote the Bible or ask God for help or attempt to “just decide” to do the right the thing. You just feel the inevitability of your sin and it breaks you in half. You feel the enormity of your wickedness and it breaks your will to fight against it. Anyway, that was last Tuesday.

I was at church this Sunday and I decided to read through John. It had been a little while since I had picked up that book and it has always brought me comfort. John’s unique view on Jesus and his words almost always bring me great comfort and refreshment. I got to verse 5 and God told me to meditate on it for a little bit. I’ve always liked the verse; “The light [Jesus] shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” However, I had always taken it very abstractly; the light was God(Jesus,Holy Spirit), the darkness was Satan and his forces. I’d never seen it in a personal light. However, as I was thinking about it, I realized quite suddenly that the darkness was the darkness in me as well. The darkness was my own sin and wickedness and evil nature. And then it hit me, my darkness has not and will never overcome the light that is now in me thanks to Jesus Christ.

It may seem like a simple revelation, maybe even a thought that all baby Christians should be intimately familiar with, but some how I had either missed or forgotten that no matter how dark I am at any given point, Jesus shines in me, and his light cannot be overcome. So, I’m going to take comfort in that fact, and attempt to hope in the grace that God has for me; that he was willing to cause his son to dwell inside of dirty, disgusting, dark me. And the very fact that Jesus is there is a guarantee that I will always have light in me, somewhere, even if I have done my best to hide it.

Thank you Lord, for putting your light in me. Help me to feel its presence always, that I would not allow myself to be disqualified when I become aware of the darkness dwelling inside of me as well. I love you, Lord.