Radically Wrong
So let me give you a timeline of my life as of late with the help of some quotes from Manning’s “The Ragamuffin Gospel” :-)
Well, I’ve come to the horrifying realization that I’ve never been happy in my life. Oh, sure, I’ve been happy with things, but I can say with a dour pride that I’ve never been content. And although so much of me wants to now say, “but God’s given me contentment! Amen!” it would be a lie and I’m more miserable than I’ve ever been.
I’ve been having a sequence of dreams where I am punching Tim over and over again in the face because he does something that I find offensive and don’t understand. Tim is a symbol for Jesus in most of my dreams and although a part of me finds it quite humorous that I would be punching Jesus in the face, a bigger part of me shudders and I am filled with both fear and remorse.
God gave me the dream to help me realize that I am extremely angry at Him because I don’t understand what He’s doing. And that’s where I am right now: angry.
Here’s the quote. Somebody finally knows what the hell I’m going through: (I’ll be adding in comments between paragraphs).
“Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold and perfect me.”
For the past year I have sacrificed so much. So much. And I’m not even talking about the fact that I quit college (for God) and will refuse to work without an OK from God (for God). I’m talking about the days spent fasting, praying- which reminds me- did you know I would spend ten hours in the prayer room without a break? That’s how freakin’ hardcore I was. I spent three hours every day speaking and singing Scripture over myself. I spent hours and hours reading my Bible and other Christian literature I thought God was leading me to. My dialogue wasn’t “I read X amount of chapters today,” it was “I read X amount of books of the Bible today.” I made humility my goal and tried to live the Sermon on the Mount the best I could. I did everything and my pride is still just as big and I feel just as hopeless.
To continue…
“The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing. In this curious process God is a benign old spectator in the bleachers who cheers when I show up for the morning quiet time.
Our eyes are not on God. At heart we are practicing Pelagians. We believe that we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps- indeed, we can do it ourselves.”
I started to be completely miserable when Tim’s mom died and my whole glorious and “radical” routine was put on hold.
And then I realized that it wasn’t put on hold because it had to be. It was put on hold because I didn’t want to do it anymore. I’d much rather watch Will & Grace, Sex in the City, Friends, Nickelodeon, Charmed, Law and Order, and crappy edgy PG-13 movies that shaped our American culture into the whore it is today.
“Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut.
Once the fervor has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. We discover our inability to add even a single inch to our spiritual stature.
There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and a subtle despair: subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged.”
I had a dream around the time that Tim’s mom died where I was outside of my house and it was warm but, oddly enough, I saw a patch of snow on the ground. When I told Tim about it he got a word from God that “winter was coming.”
I thought he was talking about a time in the wilderness in which case I felt honored and haughty because only really big, radical Christians go into the wilderness. But I was wrong. I am in a winter of discontent. I am filled with pessimism, despair and complacency. I just want to watch TV. Leave me alone. A couple weeks ago I had a dream of me standing in the midst of full-winter. I woke up and understood that this wasn’t a wilderness that I had expected.
“It takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again.”
Ugh. I’m so bored. I walk around my house aimlessly because I am so bored. I feel meaningless, pointless, purposeless and only worth what I can do.
“We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like every one else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality.
We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O’Neill’s play “The Great God Brown”: “Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living of the earth and the sky and the sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?”
Something is radically wrong.”
I’ve threatened God so many times: “you know? I could just drop this whole thing and take up paganhood.” And with how much time I actually give to God I don’t think my life would look a whole lot different.
There have been moments where I really felt like I was making progress, even in this depression. And then it all gets abruptly taken away (no doubt by God) from me and I’m left with me again. I’m in this stupid sick-cycle-carousel.
So, in my bitterness, all you Christians who are so proud of yourselves because of your sacrifices and how much you give: you’re in for a rude awakening, and I pity you from the bottom of my heart
However, I do seem to have, deep within me, a dark flicker of hope somewhere.
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