Burning Ones

So I feel a million times better. Nothing has really changed I just feel much more confident that God might love me (which makes me feel like I got the whole love-of-God thing figured out, which is evidence enough that I know less than nothing). I also find that I understand a little bit more how much God values failure. He doesn’t give a lick about it. So I am just going to continue to fail until I die and will happily do so. He really can’t expect anything more of me.. it’s how he made me. Silly me! And all this time I thought I was made to be perfect.

I’m still trying to figure out how to “feel” like the ash that I am without being depressed about my sinful, hypocritical nature.

I felt very foolish this week when my aunt, Lynn, offered me a job at her after-school daycare from 2-6 during the school year. I was very excited about the offer, and even though I wasn’t sure whether God wanted me to do it or not I was ecstatic about the risk of being wrong, probably being wrong, and then failing. But it would be ok and I wouldn’t beat myself up about it because God actually might love me.

Well, I might have led her onto thinking I was going to accept so when I actually prayed about it and got a very clear “no” I panicked and called her up and told her that I was sorry that I couldn’t accept the invitation due to the fact that I don’t have a car and thus my commitment would be lax. Well, she told me she could possibly let me use her car.

Buggers.

::shakes fist at God::

So I called her back after a huge debate about it with Tim (who convinced me that it was actually wrong of me to lie) and I apologized for lying and asked her forgiveness… and told her that I had prayed about it and didn’t feel right about it.

Now, this has happened MANY times before in the past where I’ve “blamed” God for not “letting” me do something. Everything from working for my grandmother for a day, eating dinner with my family and going to college. So this may add to their “Jess-is-in-her-own-cult” list.

This week we’re watching the Ambrose (Jaclyn’s parent’s) dog. His name is CJ. CJ is a Jack Russell and looks a surprisingly lot alike Alex and Jaclyn’s dog. It’s been going ok.. a few minutes ago he just totally freaked me out by biting me (and I swear it’s because I wouldn’t give him any of my ice cream, even though Tim begs to differ), and barking at me. This made me think irrationally and the next thing I know I’m calling Tim a stream of curse words because he won’t take care of the dog while I’m trying to write my blog.

And then I cried and stormed off into the bathroom and took a 20 minute shower.

But we made up. And then I cried some more because it turns out he was so worried about me he sat outside the bathroom and waited for me because I had locked him out and he was afraid I was hurt.

Tomorrow the Visher family (Dad, Katie, Christina, Jesse, Jesse’s parents) are coming over to barbeque and swim. And with that said, Happy Labor Day.

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