Burning Ones

So Timmy won’t be able to blog today because he’ll be at a Java convention (aka nerd convention, haha) with a coworker until late tonight. So due to that, and the fact that I didn’t really give a general update on Sunday, I’m stealing his day.

Sunday was Timmy’s birthday (he’s 22, but still doesn’t feel any older) so we celebrated and bought him nice clip-ins pedals and shoes for his bike with a gift certificate from my parents (thanks, mom and dad!).

On Saturday we saw Bella, which is definitely a movie worth seeing and supporting. You can see the trailer here. It reminded me of my passion for adopting an to-be aborted child.. and thus I spent a good two or three days after seeing it fantasizing about meeting people in malls, whilst telling their best friends they’re going to get “it” taken care of, and hero-me, stepping in. Haha. Whatever.

I don’t know if “foggy” is a valid feeling, but for awhile I’ve been feeling foggy. Like, stuck almost, like an on-going tiredness that I can’t seem to shake. I couldn’t really set my mind to do anything and I felt all-around sluggish, but like more spiritual than physical. Like a mini-curse, haha. So I’ve been scattered brained.

Although these past two days have been wonderful and God must have lifted the fog off. So I don’t really know what’s going on right now. I had a dream awhile ago where Tim and I were in Hawaii and there was this huge wave coming and we were hedged in all around (with actual hedges). And the waves kept pounding us and overtaking us and I’d fall and stuff, but get back up. I wasn’t really sure what the dream meant but then I was having an awesome worship time today and I was worshipping with Hosea 6:1-3, which I am so in love with right now. And I just felt like God was saying that He was the raging ocean and He put the hedges up.. like in Psalms 139 where it says “You hedge me in, behind and before, You lay your hand upon me.”

I just love the imagery of God tripping me in order to hold me… except Hosea uses a little more “hardcore” imagery and instead of tripping its tearing (ouch) but I still love it. It MUST happen in order that “we may live before Him.” And then the immediate verse is, “Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord!” Ugh, it’s just wonderful.

I’ve been consumed lately with trying to figure out how to love. I seem do to an absolutely, horrible job every time I try. So, if any of y’all have any pointers just let me know :-). I thought that maybe my “fogginess” could be connected with this anger that I’ve been struggling with. It’s like, sometimes in my dreams I get really mad at someone, and I start swinging at them, trying to hit them, and I keep falling asleep as I’m trying to get a good whack in and I end up tripping over myself and falling into the ground. I think that’s God saying that when I get angry, I turn blind, which would explain the cloudiness… but who knows :-).

For some reason I can’t stop thinking about that little girl in India who was born with four arms and four legs. You can read about it here. I mean, I don’t know if its more heart-breaking, more fascinating, or more horrifying.

They named her Lakshmi because it’s believed she’s a reincarnation of the Hindu goddess of wealth, who also has four arms and four legs. And I guess what bothers me the most about this is the coincidence that a little girl was born looking like a worshipped god. Her parents said that they had to hide her when she was little because the circus wanted to buy her. I mean, yeah, we know why it scientifically happened, but it’s just one of those things that you ask, “could this be spiritual?” Why is a deformed child revered as a god?

Thankfully, it seems like the surgery and recovery process is going well. I can’t imagine what her life will look like. Will people treat her and her parents with contempt because they marred a goddess? Will they still look to her as a reincarnation? Will she marry? The whole thing makes me very sad.

And then someone had the nerve to say in a comment on a news feed: “This is why I will always be for abortion.”

If you’re anything like me, it feels like Firefox 2.0 came out yesterday.  But, it turns out that it’s been more like a year.  Wow.  Since that time, the development community of Firefox has not been silent.  Coming soon is Firefox 3.0.  Over at Lifehacker
, they’ve posted some screen shots of the new Firefox 3.0 for the world’s perusal.

Enjoy!

So, after hearing Timmy rant and rave about a news reader (as in like, RSS feeds), I finally succumbed to an application called Shrook. So now I will happily be spending less time on the internet and receiving news feeds from various blogs, facebook, and forums (sadly, that’s all I do online).

I’ve finally narrowed my top five favorite movies in order (trilogies count as one movie). I have to admit, I feel somewhat *unholy* posting this after Tim’s awesome news.. but that’s condemnation, not conviction.

1. V for Vendetta
2. Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Trilogy
3. Stranger Than Fiction
4. A Good Year
5. Hackers

Nb: #3-5 might change in order, but I think those three are permanent. Anyone care to list their top five?

During work I’ve been listening to The Call: Las Vegas online at God.TV. I would totally encourage everyone who can to get over to that website and begin to feast on what the Lord is pouring out in our Nation.

I’ve been kind-of bursting into tears throughout the day because of it. You’re going to have to sign up for a God.TV account but it’s free and fairly painless to do. If you already have a Church Insight account you can just use that.

Let’s keep the cry going!

Crazy week! It’s been like a roller coaster and I’m loving every minute of it (although we’ll see what I say when it’s a ‘down’ moment, hehe).

I’ve been feeling for awhile that the thing that what God wants me doing right now is simply “doing everything for Him.” So I have no idea what that means.

Like a week ago I was really, really mad at myself because I had screwed up (again) so I was going to punish myself by watching TV until sunrise. So after I was all TV’ed out and even more upset (and really hungry) I said ‘hell with it’ and decided I was going to go to the kitchen, in the dark, and eat a banana. For God.

So with every step on the cold, dark floor towards the kitchen I kept saying to myself, “I’m doing this for You. I will walk excellently for You.” And as I peeled the banana and began to eat it I tried to really absorb the taste and texture. And sometimes I like splitting the banana into three (because it naturally does this, which I think is kinda cool) so I thought about the trinity a bit. And I wasn’t perfect at it at all, in fact I think I scoffed the remaining half of the banana down because this whole process was very awkward and I just wanted to be done with it :-).

I felt God just being like “alright, Jess, time for bed” so I went to sleep at the point (I think it was like 6:15 or something). And it wasn’t like I immediately felt the Shekina glory of God, or fell over because I was so moved by the spirit. I still felt awful, my face still sore from crying, I could still taste the tears in my throat, and I could still feel my face cracking from the dried salt deposits, but in some strange way I felt at peace. And I felt loved.

So I’ve been trying to do that more. Mainly its small things like eating breakfast or making the bed but it’s weird, even awesome, because now every time I think of my bed or pancakes I think of God. And I think of that experience with God and I almost (not quite, haha) look forward to making the bed in a small way, or especially making pancakes (opposed to something like cereal) because I never make pancakes… but since I kind of first did that with God it’s like a me-and-God-thing. Pancakes, hehe.

And, oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how crazy wonderful my life has been these past couple of days. And even though everything seems to be getting worse (I’m assuming they’re attacks) like Tim and I were up until 1 fighting or my pride has somehow enormously exploded because of all this, it’s wonderful. It’s all wonderful. I feel as though I can find God wherever I want to look for Him.

And since then I can like, feel Him… like, that sense of that ever-present feeling of God has become SO much stronger. I mean like mind-blowing stronger. I can feel Him next to me, and inside of me, all at the same time. And He talks to me. A lot. Like all the time. All I have to do is talk and He talks back. And He’s funny!

And, gosh, I used to worry that this was all me and it was me talking (‘cause it is my voice saying the stuff in my head) but I know it’s like Other. This is absolutely everything I’ve ever wanted and I hope it’s only going to get better… and at the same time I’m terrified that God will remove Himself and I’ll have a Song of Solomon 5 experience and I REALLY don’t want that. And then the pride comes because only really ‘holy’ people have Song of Solomon 5 experiences, and I know that’s not true.

So everything is super crazy right now and I don’t know what’s going on. But I am in absolute love with it.