YAY!!!!!
Crazy week! It’s been like a roller coaster and I’m loving every minute of it (although we’ll see what I say when it’s a ‘down’ moment, hehe).
I’ve been feeling for awhile that the thing that what God wants me doing right now is simply “doing everything for Him.” So I have no idea what that means.
Like a week ago I was really, really mad at myself because I had screwed up (again) so I was going to punish myself by watching TV until sunrise. So after I was all TV’ed out and even more upset (and really hungry) I said ‘hell with it’ and decided I was going to go to the kitchen, in the dark, and eat a banana. For God.
So with every step on the cold, dark floor towards the kitchen I kept saying to myself, “I’m doing this for You. I will walk excellently for You.” And as I peeled the banana and began to eat it I tried to really absorb the taste and texture. And sometimes I like splitting the banana into three (because it naturally does this, which I think is kinda cool) so I thought about the trinity a bit. And I wasn’t perfect at it at all, in fact I think I scoffed the remaining half of the banana down because this whole process was very awkward and I just wanted to be done with it :-).
I felt God just being like “alright, Jess, time for bed” so I went to sleep at the point (I think it was like 6:15 or something). And it wasn’t like I immediately felt the Shekina glory of God, or fell over because I was so moved by the spirit. I still felt awful, my face still sore from crying, I could still taste the tears in my throat, and I could still feel my face cracking from the dried salt deposits, but in some strange way I felt at peace. And I felt loved.
So I’ve been trying to do that more. Mainly its small things like eating breakfast or making the bed but it’s weird, even awesome, because now every time I think of my bed or pancakes I think of God. And I think of that experience with God and I almost (not quite, haha) look forward to making the bed in a small way, or especially making pancakes (opposed to something like cereal) because I never make pancakes… but since I kind of first did that with God it’s like a me-and-God-thing. Pancakes, hehe.
And, oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how crazy wonderful my life has been these past couple of days. And even though everything seems to be getting worse (I’m assuming they’re attacks) like Tim and I were up until 1 fighting or my pride has somehow enormously exploded because of all this, it’s wonderful. It’s all wonderful. I feel as though I can find God wherever I want to look for Him.
And since then I can like, feel Him… like, that sense of that ever-present feeling of God has become SO much stronger. I mean like mind-blowing stronger. I can feel Him next to me, and inside of me, all at the same time. And He talks to me. A lot. Like all the time. All I have to do is talk and He talks back. And He’s funny!
And, gosh, I used to worry that this was all me and it was me talking (‘cause it is my voice saying the stuff in my head) but I know it’s like Other. This is absolutely everything I’ve ever wanted and I hope it’s only going to get better… and at the same time I’m terrified that God will remove Himself and I’ll have a Song of Solomon 5 experience and I REALLY don’t want that. And then the pride comes because only really ‘holy’ people have Song of Solomon 5 experiences, and I know that’s not true.
So everything is super crazy right now and I don’t know what’s going on. But I am in absolute love with it.
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