Philia Friendship
Tim was telling me about a sermon by John
Piper where he briefly comments on C.S. Lewis’s The Four
Loves, explaining two of them as being different kinds of friendships.
There’s eros friendship, where the two people involved are focused on
each other (as if they were facing each other) and then there’s Philia
friendship where, instead of facing each other, they are facing a
mutual vision or purpose and running after this goal together. I feel
like this is a much more biblical model of how friendship is supposed
to be, and we need this to stand… or I need it.
I’ve come to realize that I am lacking a Philia friendship outside of
Tim. It’s not that I don’t love the friends that I have, but I’m not
running towards anything with them. The closest thing I think I’ve had
to this was when Alex & Jaclyn were here in PA and Peniel (our
ministry) was active. As I look back on it now I’m not really sure if
we ever really hammered out the details of what our common vision was,
but it is something different to say “we’re in this together” while
leading various worship events and prayer nights instead of just
attending some function.
But now it seems like that has ended (even if it is because of sheer
practicality), and I’d really like that type of friendship. Sometimes
I think I’m more “holy” for doing without, but after thinking about it
I really don’t think we are supposed to be “without” this. I read a
story about a man who went to Hell and one of the interesting things
he said was that you weren’t able to communicate to anyone. So there must
be power in unity… a source of strength that I want. Just like its
always easier to bear something when another person is bearing the
same load.
Love to hear your thoughts about this. Piper boiled down his
point to this: “The greater the shared vision, the deeper the
friendship.” Do you agree? Leave your thoughts in the comments!
June 9th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I do agree, though I think more often than not, those goals or visions are not fleshed out or unsaid altogether, which makes it hard. When I think of my friends, I tend to put them in groups- my frisbee team, my a capella group, my jazz band, etc. I think each group as a whole is running together towards a goal (playing awesome music, singing tight harmonies, getting better at frisbee, etc). However, it’s those intense one on one relationships you speak of that are less common in our American society.
I learned about this at a diversity conference once… they said that Americans are very friendly, but we have several layers to our friendships. You can smile at just about anyone, meet them once and then say hi in passing, perhaps small talk at a party, then become facebook friends, maybe get their number and hang out, and several layers later they may become your “friend” rather than acquaintence. Other cultures have less layers, but it is harder to get through each one. However, once you do, you are friends for life, and I imagine that those are the types of friendships you speak of. I’m not sure if those cultures are aware of the common goals they share, but it seems to me like they might be…
I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a philla friendship before, except for maybe Joe, but it may have been more one sided than I thought, and he’s graduated now so it will be hard to maintain such an intense friendship over distance… I would like to get better at those friendships, so if you figure out how it can be done, let me know!
<3 pie
ps sorry for blabbing, but that post really got me thinking!!
June 17th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Could not agree with you more. I feel very much like America is a country where we’re all “doing our own thing” and so please don’t interrupt me. I was surprised when I heard that a lot of the public transportation systems in Europe have seats that actually face each other… like to encourage people to talk. I wish we were more like that. Or rather I was more like that.
I’ll let you know if I ever figure it out, but unfortunately it seems like the type of thing where only a really old wise person would know. So ask me in a few decades :-)
Loved your thoughts btw!
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
well actually it’s funny that you mention the subway seats, because in Australia it’s the same way. However, no one talked to each other, except if it was a group of people who already knew each other. I found that most people on the tram used that time to read, and listen to their ipods. Well, at least the system TRIES to get them to talk, right?